It’s my birth month again. Reminiscing about my teenage days, I remember I was planning to die before reaching 20. It wasn’t out of depression or anything back then. I simply didn’t want to get older. I used to enjoy my birthdays during childhood, but the excitement turned into confusion when I reached 14, when I thought I just wanted to stay youthful forever.
“Live free and die young with a beautiful corpse.”, I kept that in mind throughout my teenage days. There were times when I told people about my absurd ideals, and naturally, most of them just laughed it off and tried to talk me out of it. But I’m a person who’s not easily convinced, so I sticked with that thought for a while.
One day, I was chitchatting with a certain friend and when I mentioned it, she came up with a suggestion. She said, if I’m mainly concerned about the appearance, I could just look young. Age can just be a number. She even gave me some examples. I thought, hmm, yeah, reasonable enough. Okay.
I’m actually glad I’ve decided to keep on living. I’ve experienced more things and got to embrace the beauty and ugliness of the world. I’ve felt a lot more intense things and gained more knowledge along the way. (So, if you’re reading this right now and if for any reason, you’re considering to end your life, you may also want to reconsider it.)
Speaking of life, I’ve recently changed my career path. While I do love fashion and graphic design, the real reason why I’ve decided to take an art course was because I wanted to work in the anime and manga industry.
Anime style wasn’t really encouraged in Fine Arts, so I think I somehow lost it in the process. I started taking projects in the other fields I was drawn to. I enjoyed them and eventually, it seemed too late for me to shift back to my original plan. I may always look confident but I have a destructive level of perfectionism, so even though other people would sometimes praise my works, I just didn’t think they were ever enough. I had a bad habit of throwing my works away before they were finished. I wasn’t satisfied (on personal standards), so I stopped something which I used to love doing, which is drawing. I didn’t draw for a decade. (Yeah, such a long slump. lol)
But lately, just watching Loon and other artists who are really passionate for it brings me pleasant memories. It reminds me of my childhood days when I used to draw daily and how enjoyable it felt back then. That’s why I decided to grab a pencil again. I want to live my life with no regrets.
To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much from it. I thought it would be hard from this point, because I have to start from scratch again. That’s why when someone wanted to purchase the first artwork I managed to complete, I felt overjoyed and hopeful. Upon gaining more projects and getting even busier than before, it felt like a dream. I didn’t expect to gain everything so quickly. I didn’t even expect any result at all. Sometimes, we really have to take the risk to reach out for more happiness. It’s not a reason to stop learning though. At this point, there’s still so much to catch up on. I will also strive to manage my time to fit other things that I want to do, such as cosplay.
By the way, for my birthday this year, I really want to thank Loon for making it special. Despite telling her that I have no need to celebrate, she still bought me a cake. I thought I was able to convince her that the body massage was already enough as a gift and not to get me anything else, but upon arriving at her place in Cavite, I still received a gift.
(Note: I wasn’t able to update my blog last month. Aside from being busy, one of my cats unfortunately passed away, so I was really down and I didn’t feel like saying anything at all. It’s really sad to experience this just before my birthday. Everytime a cat dies, it really shatters me. For now, I don’t really want to talk about the details.)